All about Neurodiverse Relationships
Chances are, if you’ve landed on this post, you might be in a neurodiverse relationship! Throughout this post, we will be talking about relationships in the romantic sense, but please know that much of this applies to friendships, working arrangements, and any other type of relationship you might have with another human.
What is a neurodiverse relationship?
A neurodiverse relationship is simply a relationship where the people have different neurotypes (see this previous post for definitions of some of these terms). Generally when people see this term they think abut a relationship where one partner is autistic or ADHD, and the other is neurotypical. While this is certainly one way a relationship can be neurodvierse, it definitely isn’t the only one! Some other examples that you might see in monogamous relationships are:
One autistic partner, one ADHD partner
One AuDHD partner, one partner with OCD and ADHD
One patner with borderline personality disorder, one autistic partner
One partner with ADHD, inattentive presentation, one partner with ADHD, hyperactive/impulsive presentation
Of course, this isn’t a definitive list, and I’m sure you can imagine how complicated it can get when we are talking about polyamorous relationships as well!
And while the term neurodivergent relates to so much more than ADHD and autism, in this post we will specifically be talking about relationships where one (or more) partner is autistic and/or ADHD.
Why being in a neurodiverse relationship can cause issues
One of the main issues in any relationship is communication differences. No two people are the same, and we all bring our pasts, neurotypes, cultural background, family of origin, and more into all of our relationships with others. While there’s plenty of ways some of these other pieces of identity can impact your relationship, neurotype can bring another layer of conflict.
When we talk about neurotype, we often think about it as “this is how someone’s brain works.” And while that’s true, this leaves out the important piece of how neurotype can result in some “cultural” differences as well. For example, most autistic people are incredibly uncomfortable with eye contact Two autistic people together will likely not be offended by the other person not making eye contact, however most allistic (non-autistic) people in America find lack of eye contact to be rude. So who is right? Well, neither person is! For example, many Asian cultures find direct eye contact to be rude; if you have an American and a Japanese person talking, who is the rude one for making/not making eye contact? Right, neither of them, it’s just a cultural difference.
Similarly, communication norms can be different across neurotypes. Most autistic people prefer clear, direct communication. If you ask an autistic individual what they think of your new shirt, be prepared for them to answer that exact question (even if they don’t like it). With allistic people, it would be seen as rude to say you don’t like someone’s shirt, even if explicitly asked. So who is right? Again, neither person. It’s a communication difference.
Another piece that is often overlooked is need for alone time. Most autistic people need more alone time than allistics do. Allistics often take this need for alone time as rejection, when that isn’t necessarily the case! The autistic partner just (generally) has a lower threshold for socialization and time with others. And it’s important to remember that time alone gives them the capacity to spend more time together.
Overwhelm can be a significant issue as well. For example, most ADHDers need novelty and busyness, where as autistic folks need predecitabilty and structure. You’ll often see a relationship where one person wants go out out and socialize and do things in busy areas (likely the ADHDer) while the other would rather stay home where it’s calm and quiet (likely the autistic one). So who is right? Yet again, neither. The partners just have different needs.
What to do about it
So, we know that having differing neurotypes in a relationship can cause issues, but now what do we do about it? For some quick tips, you can head over to my previous posts on ways to support your autistic partner or on things your ADHD partner wishes you knew. These can be a great starting point in understanding your partner’s unique needs.
One of the main things that can be helpful in navigating a neurodiverse relationship is understanding your partner’s neurotype. A simple way to start with that is by asking them! Talking together about your differing needs is one of the best ways to understand your partner and to be better understood by your partner. You can also find information about their particular neurotype, whether that’s through books, podcasts, or even on social media. The important thing to keep in mind here is that your partner may have different needs from what you’re reading or looking at, so it’s always a good idea to discuss their needs with them directly too.
And lastly, couples counseling can be beneficial for relationship struggles. Being in a neurodiverse relationship, you’ll want to make sure your therapist is albe to work with the neurotypes present in your relationship. So if one of you is autistic, you’ll want to make sure your couples counselor can work with autistic individuals.
If you are in North Carolina or South Carolina and looking for relationship counseling, click here to schedule a free consult to see if we would be a good fit! If your partner isn’t interested in therapy but you are, you can also work individually with a therapist on figuring out how to manage your relationship (you can also schedule a free consult to look at individual therapy). And as always, I’m looking forward to meeting you!
